Friday, June 24, 2011


My first memory of being absolutely wrong about everything in the world:

I was maybe four of five and had just learned how to add at day care.

Johnny has two apples, Alice has three... No problem.

Never again would I be caught slack jawed, blindly guessing at the total produce in the possession of friends and acquaintances. I had just acquired the gift of certainty.

As my dad was driving me home, I stared out the car window flush with the wondrous realization that I had pretty much learned everything I would ever be taught. Sure, I knew there were some things I'd learn later, like multiplication once I got to fourth grade, but other than that, I had pretty much learned the last thing I really needed in life.

Later that day, in the garage, i was dribbling a basketball since, remember, I'd accomplished all the education I'd ever need, so I deserved a little R & R. But my dad came in and told me I was doing it wrong. I was slapping at the ball with my palm instead of pushing it lightly with my fingers. As I tried it his way, it dawned on me that, perhaps, there really was more to learn past pre-school.

Twenty five years later, I went to grad school because I believed there was more to learn past pre-school and high school and college. And if I learned anything during my MFA, it was how much I still need to learn regardless of what degrees i accumulate. Also, my dribbling is no better than when my dad first taught me. That's probably not gonna get any better, even if I seek a PhD.


... those last two years were pretty uneventful, huh? i mean, perhaps something happened at some point between Oct 2009 and now, but certainly nothing worth blogging about.

But I've got a good feeling about the latter half of 2011. It's ripe for bloggable moments. You know the old saying: "Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky at morning, Armin starts blogging." So on with the show, without further explanation or apology for the extended absence...

Not buying it, huh? Do I really think I can disappear for two years and expect people to add me to their Bookmarks just because i felt like coming back? Dude, there's something called Twitter now that makes blogs look like Troglodytes. Who even has time to read full sentences with punctuation? (#straightupcretaceous)

Fair enough. There's no reason anyone should tune in, especially since I allowed this site to be overrun with comments by online pharmacists and purveyors of donkey porn. That's offensive to both real pharmacists who spend many years earning the right to peddle Cialis legally and to anyone who's nauseated by donkey porn (which, between the two categories, would encompass my entire readership, I hope).

And worst of all, it's not even like there's anything interesting going on in my life at this very moment that warrants blogging. Actually, the opposite is true: because I have absolutely nothing going for me at the present (out of school and unemployed) I have oodles of time to blog. My only other mental exertion is the word jumble i tackle while eating oatmeal each morning. My mind is atrophying rapidly and while I'm not a full blown vegetable yet (think summer squash, because it's delicious), my mental capacity can be gauged someplace between an incredibly precocious avocado and a decorative koi trained to respond to a dinner bell.

So, apologies to anyone who has periodically checked this site over the past two years, only to be disappointed by my complete negligence. And apologies in advance for the next time I bail out. At least by then, blogs will be as ancient as papyrus scrolls and Apple will have unveiled a new device that projects youtube videos directly to your soul. #welcomeback.