the new armin

"Sandy,
You must start anew,
Don't you know what you must do
Hold your head high,
Take a deep breath and sigh
Goodbye to Sandra Dee"
-Olivia Newton John

Sunday, Nov 4th has become the official start date for the implementation of an all encompassing program that has been incubating in my mind for the last four months. We are talking about a drastic overhaul of my lifestyle; a gradual, but steady, sloughing of bad habits and development of good habits to create what I like to call "The New Armin." Not unlike wars in which we police the world, I have no real timetable for this plan, but I'm fairly certain I can completely phase out "The Old Armin" by winter of 2009, provided insurgent bad habits don't begin revolting.

It's been said that if a Neanderthal were alive today and scientists gave him a good Mach 3 shave, fitted him for some Armani, and gave him a bus pass, we wouldn't give him a second glance. Similarly, on the surface, the Old Armin looks very much like the New Armin. So here's a handy guide to tell if you are dealing with the Old Armin or the New Armin.

Grocery Shopping

Old Armin: generally, goes through the supermarket looking for foods that are least expensive per pound or grams. Thus, his shopping bag is mostly filled with instant foods that contain flavor packets and no FDA approval. Or large chunks of animal meat he tries to cook in a rotisserie until the dripping fat starts a grease fire.

New Armin: buys foods based on how green and leafy they are. New Armin thumps cantaloupes, mimicking the old lady next to him, to see if they are fresh. He follows thin people wearing athletic wear (i.e. Under Armour, cross trainers) to buy whatever they put in their carts (yes, I do need Platex Gentle Glides, Miss Cashier, so just keep on scanning, bitch).

Dental Hygiene

Old Armin: flosses right before his dental check up because he doesn't want to be judged by the dental hygienist, under the completely erroneous belief that flossing is like cramming for a test

New Armin: flosses every night and pretends he's rocky when he spits blood into the sink.

Laundry

Old Armin: had two closets, one to keep dirty clothes, one to keep clean clothes. When he does do laundry, brings it to school and gives it to his disabled students under the guise of a lesson plan.

New Armin: does laundry EVERY WEEKEND, folds the laundry right afterwards, stores folded clothes on shelves in logical categories--underwear, t-shirts, fuzzy sweaters--completely flouting the law of entropy.

And this is just the beginning. There will be other tell tale signs of the New Armin. For example, New Armin will not use the same sponge to clean plates that he uses to clean the toilet. Sorry to old roommates who had to live with Old Armin. New Armin will consider paying for your hospital stays if you've acquired E. Coli when living with me.

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Q & A

Q: Do you find that you're surprised when you meet good people?
A: Not necessarily, because I'm friends with many good people. I guess I'm more surprised when I meet good people who are complete strangers but look out for my ass. That's what all west coasters say is different here: people don't ignore each other just because they're strangers. I don't have categoric proof that people are much friendlier out here, but one example: I was driving in Portland on a Saturday morning when i got to a stop light and the car next to me stalled. I pulled over as quickly as I could to help the woman push her car to safety, but as soon as I was able to park and run to her, there were already three other guys helping her, one of whom was a guy in the truck behind her who didn't even think about parking his car first like I did. He realized this was dumb and finally moved his car, but that's sweet of him in a really dumb sort of way.

Q: Stephen wants to know whether you ate all 100 nuggets and if so, what was the next morning like???
A: I ate all 100 nuggets in less than 24 hours. I can't say how the next morning was necessarily because there was no morning on this trip; it was just a series of driving blocks and napping blocks. I can say, I felt like hell some point during the end of the nuggets or perhaps when they were all finished, I think around 4:00 AM. But that's probably a combination of no sleep, lots of mountain dew (to the point where it feels like it's coating your teeth), and 100 chicken nuggets. The problem with buying foods in bulk for me is that I generally eat food until it is gone or I'm close to vomiting. To pace myself, I ate based on how many nuggets it took to finish a sauce packet. My guess, I ate about 10 nuggets every hour for ten hours. But I really didn't count the nuggets before hand and it could have only been 87 nuggets. I know, I'm a pussy.

Q: Stop cheering for the Knicks. Aren't you from Jersey? What, are the Nets not good enough for you?
A: If you remember that Kerry Kittles was the best player on the team, it would make sense that I was not a Nets fan as a kid. As most in our generation, Tim, I was a Bulls fan. Once they disbanded and all us frontrunner fans had to pick some team to whom we could pledge our allegiance, geography ruled as it usually does and I went for the Knicks. Now of course, I should have picked the Nets, but I don't know if they were technically part of the NBA at the time, or if they were playing exhibition games against HS teams. Now I am too loyal to my team to switch, despite sexual harassment claims, horribly immature, selfish players, and ugly ass jerseys. I can't say the same for the city of New York though; when I got out of Port Authority a few weeks ago, I was greeted by a giant billboard of the Nets. Disgraceful.

Q: i hope you get to sleep in a real bed really soon.
Thank you as always for your concern and well wishes. I slept in my very own bed, courtesy of Ross, yesterday and the feeling was indescribable. This must be how the Queen of England feels when she sleeps on a full sized futon using a bundled up hoodie as a pillow.

Q: let's start a movement-social workers at mechanics. it'll be brillaint and so helpful.
A: at the very least, all mechanics should be required to have on-site counselors to deal with the patrons' post traumatic stress disorder after reading the estimate.

Q: clearly you felt so guilty about the bagels because we jews are gods chosen people, and the bagel is our chosen food, making bagels the food that is closest to god. that makes sense right?
A: makes sense, but it wasn't manna from heaven. Let's see if stealing gefilte fish makes me feel the same.