since last we met

Obviously, my new years resolution was not to blog more consistently. I'm sorry to anyone who looks forward to reading this blog, and if you were wailing and gnashing your teeth this last couple weeks of bloglessness, let me just say: that's pathetic. go outside. turn off the computer for a change, people.

Anyway, I had every intention to write a blog last week because I just started working for an airline whose name I will not reveal for fear of reprisal from my supervisors.* I wanted to uncover the seedy, horrifying underbelly of the airline industry, like that guy who wrote about the meat packing industry in chicago.

But, i went to minneapolis for training and on the first day, they scared the shit out of me with all this talk of "big brother" and how the company is always watching and anything you say or do reflects back on the company. I have a good friend who lost her job for blogging about work and she worked in a freaking day care. They don't even have planes. Imagine how much more damage a company that owns airplanes can do to my future.

And truth be told, i didn't learn anything that was amazingly eye opening or disturbing during training (no i was not brainwashed). Everyone already knows that airlines overbook flights purposely. You probably already assumed that elite frequent flyers and first class passengers get free hotel rooms if their flights get canceled. I'm sure you read somewhere that pilots and stewardesses are constantly fornicating in your airplane seat minutes before take off and that is usually why delays occur.

Here are a few tidbits that you may not know:

1. On international flights, there is a pilot, a co-pilot, and an engineer and they all receive a different meal. That is because if one of them suffers food poisoning, the other two have to be healthy enough to fly the plane. If they eat in the airport, they have to go to different restaurants. That's why the food court was invented, so that they could all sit together still (i don't know if that's true... i just made that part up).
2. If your flight is overbooked and you volunteer for a later flight, never take the free ticket over the voucher. The free ticket is a scam because it is the cheapest ticket on any plane and they only sell about 2 of those per flight, if any. So once those seats are filled, you can't use your free ticket on the flight. Unless, you know you are flying somewhere six months from now and it is not a popular destination during peak season, it's not worth it. Go for the voucher because it'll take money off any flight you purchase. Oh, and have you ever been sitting in the airport, heard the announcement they need volunteers, but waited until the offer for compensation got more appealing, as if this was a game of Deal or No Deal? Well it doesn't matter what the customer service agent offered when you first volunteered: whatever the final offer is at the end is what you'll receive, so you don't have to feel like a chump if you bit at a $20 meal voucher when the last volunteer gets offered a $300 voucher and a first class ticket on the next flight. Actually, the first person to volunteer is the first person that gets the final deal, so if you have no where to go, might as well take it and sit in the airport bar with lonely business men who will probably pay you to talk to them.
3. There is such a thing as a seeing eye pony for blind people. I kid you not; i saw a pciture. And you can bring it on board like any assist animal. It's freaking adorable. It's only as big as a St. Bernard. I don't think it's a good idea though to make seeing eye ponies; i picture thousands of six year old girls (and effeminate boys) gouging out their own eyes so they finally have an excuse to get their own pony.

So that's pretty much all I remember from my two weeks of training in Minnesota. I had a good time though and met some co-workers who I may or may not get along with. I'll get more into them in my next posting, which at this rate, should come out mid april.

One generalization I can make about them: they are completely opposed to taking the stairs. Even if their room is on the second floor, they insist on waiting for the elevator. This habit is so pervasive that they can't even fathom someone choosing stairs over a machine that transports you vertically twelve feet. The first few times they saw me head for the stairs, they said in barely masked jealousy, "How did you get a room on the first floor?"

Another thing: our hotel was less than a mile away from the Mall of America and most of my coworkers went there every day. The hotel provided a van that would make shuttle runs every hour. It doesn't surprise me that people would opt for the van instead of walking; after all, you don't need your own Doppler to know it's cold in MN in winter. What does surprise me is how unthinkable it is to them that I would rather walk than take a shuttle. They look at me like I need to be put on suicide watch... what is he thinking? This last Thursday, my coworkers were waiting in the shuttle for me and I told the driver I'd just walk. They were all waiting for me in the lobby of the mall.
"Oh my god! How did you get here so fast?"
"It's less than a mile from our hotel."
"The driver told us it was at least a mile and a half and after the first mile, it would get so cold you'd wish you were dead."
"My lips are chapped, but otherwise, I'm doing okay."

While i'm no sloth, i don't think anyone would consider me the pinnacle of good health (drinking DB Hobbs, Gennessee, old style or some equally shit beer at 10 in the morning usually disqualifies you from the Iron Man competitions). But amongst my coworkers, there's all these rumors of me walking 10 miles in giant snow drifts, face blistered from -20 degree wind chills.

So while most of them stayed in the hotel studying or went to the mall, I tried exploring downtown Minneapolis and unintentionally segregated myself from the group because no one likes to walk in the cold.

Last thing: Yesterday in training, i had the opportunity to knock on immortality's door like the 2007 Patriots: I could have been the only person in class to score a 100% on every single test. I guess earlier in the week, our trainer, Tammy, a Minnesota gal with big hair and rounded vowels told everyone while i was in the bathroom that I was the only person in class who scored perfect on all the tests so far. My coworkers kept talking about it (not without a tinge of disgust from some), and I tried to brush it off, but the pressure was becoming unbearable. So on the final test on the final day, which Tammy even allowed us to do together in groups, i got one answer wrong, thus dashing the hopes of a perfect season. I got a lot of shit for that from my coworkers. Tammy had a little present for me, a lanyard for my ID, expecting that I'd complete the perfect season... she gave it to me anyway, but there was disappointment in her eyes. Does anyone know the Heimlich? Our boy just choked. I just can't live up to expectations. Don't expect anything from me and I may just surprise you. But once you set a bar for me to hurdle, no matter how low, I'm bound to let you down.

*that's pretty dumb, don't you think? i already told everyone in the last ten blogs that I'm working for Northwest so why am I being such a prude about it now?


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Q and A

Q: Did you know that antihistamines increase a man's libido? Curious if it's true?
A: I did not know that, and because my sister reads this blog, I will not confirm whether this is true or not. let me just say in general, I have never had a need to increase my libido and as a single guy, could probably stand having my libido levels diminished to some extent. I'd be much more productive at least.

Q: Elenore and Marty stories...who gets the next roommate blog, Malex or Claire???
A: I may not have any more roommate blogs if I keep this up because I'm not on the lease and if they read my blog and get upset, i may be living on my own.